Getting back to being ME....

being vurnerable is okay.

You wanna yell it out. You wanna scream and you dont care who hears you. I am inlove and it feels so damn good. He is a wonderful man and he is my angel and i thank god everyday for him. I dont care about what anyone has to say because he is the one. My only love, for you i am grateful. Its ok to be vulnerable sometimes..




Love, MB.

Cruel Intentions

Dear Annette,

I don't know what I could possibly say that would rectify the harm I've caused you. The truth of the matter is that being with you was the only time I have ever been happy. My whole life has been a joke. I prided myself on taking joy in others' misery. Well, it finally backfired. I succeeded in hurting the first person I ever loved. Enclosed is my most prized possession, my journal. For a long time, I considered it my trophy, a sordid collection of my conquests. If you really want to know the truth then please read it. No more lies. Please give me another chance. I'm a wreck without you.

Sebastian

(best movie of all time)

whats that thing called again?

P....P.....Positivity!!!!!!

Where for art thou?

I need to dig up some of this magic and keep it hidden in my underwear drawer.

With forgiveness comes courage and selfless. I believe people are like onions. Our layers gently peel off and become better with each passing day. I am going to get myself back. The outgoing, bubbly, mimi back.

right now my onion isnt so fresh, but with time, my rigid brown layers will reveal a snow white form. And that is when i will realize what it took.

Positivity.

Continue being true to youself because thats all you can do. Those who love you will admire you and those who dont love you will secretly hate to admire you, but nonetheless will love you.

So heres to me. Im taking my life back and this time im using crazy glue.

With love,

MB.

BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL.

It’s amazing what I put the one I love through.

Honestly.

I’m so sorry, sweetheart.

I’m fine, and all of a sudden my insecurities are touched, and M the Bitch comes out to play.

And I know I’m not the first to realize that getting so near-and-dear in a relationship suddenly brings out the worst in you. Is it really the worst? Or is it that your significant other suddenly has access to your greatest hopes and fears? Oh, how often you’re split! How you throw your shoulders back, taking poised steps, oozing with appeal, and in the same day sob into your pillow and hold your middle and scorn your belly fat, completely itching to be outside of your own skin.

Now, you’ve slowly given over to letting that person in, letting him in, letting him in, ‘til all in one instant you realize he has access to your very tender heart. The inner workings of your brain are now laid open for him to dissect. And strangely, he is still there. Through all your tumultuous mood swings and honest-to-god shit.

And then you wonder when the day will come that he will discover something that he actually can’t handle. Maybe the way you, little girl, drink to drown your sorrows will finally push him over the edge of insanity. Maybe one day the cute jealous remarks will no longer be as adorable as he thinks...

Maybe one day he’ll realize that all the things from your past are always, always going to be there. Maybe not in the room, sitting haughtily on your couch and laughing as you try to have a genuine and fresh conversation. But sometimes they come walking around the corner when you least expect them. Sometimes they turn up in familiar old smells and sporadic and old songs. And then, lady. Then you are done for. They never call and warn you of their short and slicing visit. You'll bleed and bleed for days. Sooo slowly, that scab forms. And they laugh bitterly, those songs and smells and rooms, because they know there is nothing you can do about the surprise damage to your person. You don't want to have to always be prepared for the storm.

And I forgot, until a few days ago, how being in a relationship means one is now responsible for how her actions and emotional release of inhibition so directly affect the mien of her companion.

I don’t like to be this way.

I’m not the vulnerable type, though I feign it quite easily. I’m open, very open! But only to a certain extent, that I can control. Love is letting go of that control and jumping off that cliff without a parachute. It’s a beautiful and terribly scary thing. He can’t promise never to hurt me. He’s human. He can’t promise never to leave~ one day, someday, maybe sooner but hopefully later, death will take both of us. He can’t promise me security and stability, though we both have dreams of what this life could be. He can promise me tomorrow as much as I can promise never to get in a car accident. Oh, but I want him here with me forever…

Change is a constant thing, and i need change. I want to feel beautiful again.

So from this moment, right here. Sorrounded by me four pale blue walls i am forgiving you. I am forgiving myself. I am forgiving life and love.

and all I know is that there’s you and me, and what we have is bright and beautiful.

MB...

heres to...

in searching for the truth i had become the lie. perhaps secrets should stay secret.

i am willing to accept the flawed reality because i am a realist, but sometimes theres a little amount of hope deep down who still believes love is not just an illusion.

With all the pixie dust in my world,
MB.

days turn into weeks.

Tick tick tick. Tock tock tock. Tick tock, tick tock tick tock. Time is going slower by the second. My god how loud the sound of this analog. I keep waiting and waiting, but i dont know what i'm waiting for....