i was looking through i bunch of old stuff the other day when i found a notebook. it was my journal from the previous months, probably even a year or so. i was astonished to discover this. it was a love letter i wrote; well, fact: its deeper than that, but i decided to type it here..
so theres this boy.
theres this boy that i thought i was over. yesterday when i saw him again after almost 5 months, i suddenly realized that i wasnt.
its you.
our relationship was never serious. we were never committed to one another, but still we were in each others lives for a while. at least you were in mine. in my mind and in my dreams.
i was never over you. i know that now.
all the breaks we had, where we didnt talk - i was still thinking about you all those times. we were only together when you wanted us to be. the rest of the time i was just waiting for you to want me again. longing to hear those sweet words you would whisper in my ear. waiting for your hand to be back in mine.
those months of good times and bad.
but then you got over me and we stopped talking. months went by, and we still didnt talk.
i was with others guys. i was over you. of course i was. i rarely even thought about you anymore.
then yesterday i saw you. at your house with my friends. we barely talked. but im used to that. we always did this. no talking and then suddenly we were back in each others lives.
god, you are so hard to figure out. i wish i could have figured you out then. that would have stopped me from still wondering now.
because now ive got all these feeling back in my body. feelings i thought i no longer had - but know now that i'd just hidden away in a tiny box and kept in my heart and maybe forgotten a little bit about.
yesterday, just seeing you and being in your presence opened that box, and along with the wondering came thoughts of you and us, which have now filled up my heart. my heart pumps all these feelings through my body, and i am desperately trying to squish them back into the little box, so it doesnt hurt so much. the feelings wont go away, but at least when i keep them in one place, its not as painful as when i have them pumping through my every vein.
needless to say, i am in love with you.
you can open my tiny box, whenever.
- 2009, mini b.
