i wonder almost every single day why is it that certain things could never be expressed, whether that be by words, paintings, music, etc. i wish icould save everyone and everything, even myself. i wish i could save myself from falling into deep plunder where i only bask myself in anger, fear, anxiety, hatred, loneliness and frustration. i wish i could save the people i love most. if i could pick, i'd want to save them first because i would rather suffer and see them all happy instead of the other way around. i wish i could save my dad from drowning back and forth between himself and his inexorable mind. i wish i could save my mother from feelings of despair and fear from burden, and losing control. i wish i could save my boyfriend, from dissapointment only he knows, and hidden emotions. i wish i could save myself from hating myself, for beating myself up for feeling inadequate as a daughter and a girlfriend and a person. but mostly i wish that i was even half the person was wishing i am right now; i wish that i could let these people know that i love them more than all of the obstacles i've overcome thus far. writing all this feels purposeless and all talk because its true. when the ones i want to know wont know, what's the point of writing this anyway? because i am a failing person who cant express my emotions to people that are especially close. to people i love. dear god, i wonder why you made this such a challenge for me. i wonder why i can be the friendliest person to others or i can talk up a conversation with strangers, but i cant do what matters. when me expressing my concern and love could possibly save us. sometimes i am bitter at you because you know i always complain about the same thing: why arent there enough words, enough ways, enough methods to get my inner most emotions and thoughts out? and in the end, all of this makes no sense...again...because its wrapped up in this blog...and my heart is nothing close to its true desire, for this will just be an entry as soon as i press submit. - xoxo hopeless
