and ive been thinking lately. my most tender thoughts have been about me, him and us... really beginning to sew the patches onto each hole in this lonesome ensemble. i thought about how i wonder if he could ever really figure me out, because at times i tend to lock myself up in my own little world, one noone could never get access to. we could have been at the movies watching a film of his choice, and it could have been a sad one, or an action one. and i would be somewhere totally different when we left. i would still be in the movie, suffering together with the people in it, or with the shiny, happy people; the ones who got each other in the end, just enjoying the bliss, while he was back in reality, walking next to me on the rain soaked pavement. i've once been told, if some people have addictive personalities, i had a mesmerized personality. plays, concerts, sometimes art, could just swash me off my feet and i lost all contact with the outer world and i lost all contact with him. i could sometimes find this mesmerization amusing, interesting, but lately it had got me feeling more and more left out. i found myself standing on the side of a snow bubble, knocking on the glass looking into our old personas.
and i thought about his devotion to the music, his thoughts, his world , the layers, the mind games, the helplessness, the days he would be a blank battery, the days i would be a basketball. and my friends say "he needs help, help him."
did he? or would someones help be the end of him the way i knew him? was he broken and needed mending, or were everybody else just a little bit less alive?
and i thought about life before him, how my world used to be, what i used to be in to, what i used to think mattered. and i thought about how life would be after him. and my thoughts ran to how he made me see things from a different point of view, how i sometimes managed to see through the key hole to his galaxy, how the iced tea tasted better when he sat right next to me telling one of his stories, how times with him i then thought of as bad actually now seemed better than anything else i could ever see in the future without him. and my thoughts ran to his arms, his birthmarks, his ankles, his chest, his belly button, the smell of his body under the duvet and i though that i loved him, and i had to stand up, and i had to sit down again and i had to bring the telephone up to my ear only to put it down again, and i waited with my heart longing, impatiently, for wednesday..... <3
